By Priscilla J. Dunstan, McClatchy-Tribune
Family holidays can be stressful for families that have just experienced change, such as divorce, blending of a family or new siblings. Often the hurt feelings come up right in the middle or just after a family event like Thanksgiving or Christmas, so its important to be aware and to keep the lines of communication open between you and your child.
Over-abundant displays of affection or physical aggression are indicators that your tactile child is experiencing stress. Redirect any aggressive behavior with physical games, like soccer and basketball. Whilst playing, use the breaks and time-outs to talk about what may be bothering them.
If the family has expanded recently, try to leave some time for one-on-one physical play. This reassures your child that they still have your attention, and also gives them an opportunity to talk about things without worrying about what the new family members might say or think. Stick to the usual routines; now is not the time to be changing loved traditions. Even simple rituals like a cuddle before bed, shooting hoops before dinner, or pizza on Sundays will make your child feel secure that not all things are changing.
The typical coping mechanism for the auditory child is to control the sound around them. If you find your child insisting on wearing their headphones, or tussling over the television remote, or more given to verbal rebuttals, this is an indicator that they are becoming overwhelmed.
The more tension an auditory person feels, the more sensitive to sound they become. This includes how they are spoken to, so it important to be extra careful with tone. If things seem to be spiraling, take them away to a quieter part of the house, to do a quiet activity together. Allow them to talk through issues as much as they want, which at times may feel repetitive, but these conversations are necessary for them to organize their thoughts and feelings. You will find that how they feel about an issue at the beginning of the conversation can be greatly improved by the end.
When your visual child becomes bossy and demanding, rest assured it means they are feeling anxious. Exerting control by ordering everybody about, and insisting that things are placed in a particular order, is their way of controlling their environment. Every child needs boundaries with behavior, but in these instances its best to take your visual child away from the group to talk about whats upsetting them. Visual children are very sensitive to being corrected in public which can embarrass them and make matters worse so try to do this privately. More than the other senses, this child does well on public praise, so give the child a visual job to do such as setting the table or drawing a holiday picture, and build their self-esteem by having others admire it.
Taste and smell children, sensitive at the best of times, will be very aware of everyones moods and feelings. This can be a blessing, but also a curse — rarely does the blending of a new family for the holidays go perfectly. This will result in clinginess, tears or sulky behavior on the part of your taste and smell child. Its important to understand the roller coaster of their emotions. A taste and smell child may be crying and needy, followed by a bout of clinging to your leg, then suddenly demand to rejoin the group and jump in. Try not to feel frustrated by this and if it takes your taste and smell child longer than expected to bond with their new family members or if they keep talking about the family member/parent who isnt there, remember that this is just them feeling divided in loyalties between parents and step-parents.
Family events like Thanksgiving often come with more pressures when blending a new family or introducing a new partner to your children. Be aware of their telltale sensory signs of stress, and help them through the transition with patience and understanding.
Priscilla J. Dunstan is a child and parenting behavior expert and consultant and the author of “Child Sense.” Learn more about Priscilla and her parenting discoveries at www.childsense.com.